"Look at me! Look at me! Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have fun but you have to know how.
I can hold up the cup and the milk and the cake!
I can hold up these books! And the fish on a rake!
I can hold the toy ship and a little toy man!
And look! with my tail I can hold a red fan!
I can fan with the fan as I hop on the ball!
I forgive you, Cat, for your bad example, your manic glee for jumping higher, faster, longer.
Learn to hula? What was I thinking?
Sign language? I must have been dropped on my head.
Yes, I did yoga twice a week.
Yes, I forgave something almost daily. Or tried to. Forgiving is harder that I had thought. And there are things I'm not yet ready to forgive.
But working through that book Forgiving Ourselves? Not particularly.
And dance a little daily? A little weekly, maybe. But how important is dancing, really, to finding the Renewal I so much need?
And no, you Crazy Cat, we're not finished reading The Dancing Bear yet, though we plan to continue. I did read The Art of Growing Old by Marie de Hennezel, an enjoyable book. But not profound.
1000 words a day turned out closer to 500 words a day.
And as for following the sun . . . ever since sunset started coming at 4:30 my schedule has become completely untethered to the real (natural) world. With no diurnal prompt to retire I stay up later and later each night. Each morning is darker and darker and it's harder and harder to get up before the sun.
And still I'm hopping up and down on the ball, O Catliest of Cats, just like you do, but I feel further from Renewal than ever, no matter how fast I fan the red fan. My books are out of balance, I'm losing pages faster than I can bind them up.
It's true that I've been making progress on some of my Things, which are good Things, oh so good:
- The photo books I've been inching forward on, the scanning done on the first group.
- Donne's "Meditation XVII" is half memorized. But I haven't looked at it since the end of November.
- "La Biblioteca de Babel" I have read, but have not written out the translation. And what's more I don't think I want to.
- Nor more than I want to keep doing a daily diagram.
Too much! Too much! Renewal would entail less of this not more of it.
Sleep when it is night, Witness the sunrise, Sing in the morning, Work the day's work when it is day, Attend sunset . . . those still sound sublime but how do I pull that off? (re: 4:30 sunset)
The new month is coming and you, the Cat in the Hat, are not a good model for going forward.
Which I have learned from this month of forgiving is another way of saying --
I give you over,
I stop giving you anything more,
I forgive you.