Monday, September 28, 2015

On a Mission - Week 3 - out of the blue

Oregon blue

Three months ago, this blue sky, these blue cabbages on the way to pick blueberries seemed only to promise the perfect Oregon summer.

"What do you need to make this summer summer for you?" I'd asked both boys.

"Picking berries," said Young.

"Pool party," said Mijo.

"I can do that," I said.  And the very first day of summer vacation, we did.  Early in the morning under the clearest blue sky, we dropped bouncing blueberries into old ice cream buckets and then in the first heat of afternoon carted Mijo and his buds to the community pool to splash and play.

Little Boy Blue and his buds

Two days later I woke singing Glorious.  I couldn't get it out of my head.  All day I kept hearing that song sing inside me, my heart rising and wings filling my mind.  In the afternoon, sitting in the sweet evening air of early summer, I poured my heart out with joy praying for my beloveds and felt a sweet, deep, unaccountable buoyancy of hope and promise rise up inside me -- such good things were coming soon, soon, soon.

a glory in the heavens

That hopeful happiness kept rising in me even through the next day when Fritz came home early, one of many high-tech over-50s who found themselves out of a job that first Monday of summer vacation.

Out of the blue, our summer was changed and our lives reshaped.

The next few days it was still too raw to trumpet the blues to anyone beyond our nearest and dear.  But the strangeness of our new reality was all the stranger because I couldn't feel cast down.  The song of lifting joy still played on in me.  I couldn't feel the loss but only how much I've loved living here.  I bored my social media circle with pictures of the things that made me happy:

The problem with having chickens is it gives me such bliss to watch them clucking around with their comfortable self-satisfied here-and-now-ness and the way the little wind ruffles up their skirt feathers and the sunlight makes their neck feathers gleam . . .
 . . . See, I can't even get a post written without straying off into blissiness and meanwhile the apples are still sagging in their canvas bags desperate to be sauced.

Summer kept grinding on, the rain stayed away.  I began to sort through the house.  Getting ready? Wasting time?  What seemed most real was just how sweet the everyday delights have been and are and surely in some sort of way will always be.

Is it just because of the sun
today that I believe I've loved
every day living in Oregon?
Nah.  I think it's really true.
Trying to let go
of things I've kept too long.
But this blue?
This blue I'm keeping.

And then a friend responded: "I hate to ask. Not my business. But why? Why get rid of your life pieces? Are you going to have to carry them with you somewhere? Portage your bookshelf?"  

Her words gave me an image of such delight: my intrepid band of adventurers tromping through the forest around the hungry rocks and roaring falls with a bookshelf-boat balanced on our shoulders.  Maybe that's what we were doing?

What are we doing?  I didn't know.  Still don't.  All I know is that the answer will be glorious.

I didn't realize when I first heard it that this was going to become my theme song but it *is glorious* how answers come sometimes before the questions.

"There are times when
You might feel aimless
You can't see the places
Where you belong

But you will find that
There is a purpose
It's been there within you all along . . . "

I'm sure as sure can be there is a purpose hovering near.  I can feel it, but I can't see it.

I can't even be sure what I should be looking for.  But I keep finding glimpses.

Because the world is forever full of delightful surprises,
just waiting to be discovered.

For example, summer has now turned at last.   It is autumn.
Officially.  Even if it's still as hot as any summer I can remember.

And out of the blue, life takes another turn.

Remember this time last week?
I barely do, the climate seems so different.

end of summer blues

Last Monday evening I wrote down a list of questions I needed answers to, starting out
*Do I get a job?  
The next day a friend forwarded an opening at the high school as College Readiness Coordinator.  Do I want it?  The more I've looked at the position and the possibilities, the more I look at all I've done volunteering and sitting on committees and all I've hoped to see happen here in this town I love, the more I'm convinced this could be the very path for me.  Not just a way to get insurance for my family (though having that would put one of my most pressing worries to rest), but a real path.  By midweek I had my resume in and the very next day the school called to set up an interview . . . and when is it?

October 1st.

Right when I said a few weeks ago I thought I'd be ready to start living with a sense of mission, back before I decided I never would be ready unless I started immediately.

Maybe something in me knew better than I knew.

Blue upon blue upon glorious blue
How everything can change straight out of the blue.

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